My First Nude Selfie

It’s time to join the trend and post my first nude selfie.

Before you look below, I should explain that much of the photo has been redacted. I have been forced to crop a significant portion of the image. Let me explain.

Due to pending copyright and privacy-related legal proceedings, I am unable to show my right leg. It features a nineteen-inch tattoo of Bryan Ferry and the lead singer of The Corrs “singing a duet,” if you know what I mean.

Geneva Conventions against cruel and unusual punishment prevent me from showing approximately 90% of my torso.

My left side cannot be exposed to light or oxygen until doctors have concluded their research there. It’s extremely difficult even for me to acquire information about their investigation into what for now they’re referring to as my “anomaly.”

Unfortunately, my contract as a hand model prevents me from sharing photographic representations of either hand. Failure to comply would result in a $30,000 penalty for breach of my contract with Estee Lauder.

And finally, the Council of Rabbinical Authorities of New Jersey has petitioned me not to reveal my buttocks, based on a rather obscure Talmudic interpretation. I have not been given details of why this appeals only to me, but I have been told that much depends on my compliance. Although I am not a religious man, I have agreed out of respect for their beliefs.

I hope my explanation has been helpful. Now, please enjoy the photo:

Image

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